My last colonoscopy

HealthPark Hospital atrium

Yes, I had a colonoscopy on Friday. I was overdue – I was on the “5-year plan” and it was at least 7 years since my last one and perhaps as long as 9. I don’t enjoy colonoscopies any more than most; it is just something that needs to be done occasionally. Probably similar to breast exams.

As always the preparation was the worst part of the experience. Drinking 4 liters of what seemed like diluted antifreeze is not fun. But I got it down successfully, finishing it off 3 hours before the procedure.

Jett is unable to drive right now, so I asked my neighbor, Mark, to pick me up. He graciously agreed to do that and even more graciously offered to drive me there, too – 30 minutes each way. I thought this was asking too much and because I thought there would be perhaps a 3-hour interval between dropoff and pickup, it would mean 2 round trips. Too much to ask.

So Plan A was to take Uber. This would be an adventure as I had never taken an Uber anywhere before by myself. I downloaded the app, got the payment details set up and was ready to schedule the ride Friday morning. But when I tried to do that – about 8 times – I got an error stating that the payment could not be completed. Don’t know why. Something to figure out before my next attempt at using Uber. In the meantime, I have been charged $50 for my Uber account which is still unused.

Plan B was a conventional taxi. So I called at 8:30am to arrange an 11:40am pickup. I would meet the taxi at the gate to avoid the complexities of getting into the community and finding my site. So I was at the gate by 11:40am but by 11:45am had not seen a taxi. I called the company, asking if a taxi was en route. No, they said, but I would get “the next driver who was in the area.” The driver would call when he was on his way. As I had no expectation that any driver would EVER be “in the area” I had to move on to Plan C – call Mark.

Mark was at McDonald’s, but agreed to pick me up and drive me to the hospital. Which he did (THANK YOU, MARK).

Plan D, if it had been needed, was to drive myself and worry about recovering the car on Saturday.

I was a few minutes late getting to the hospital – and they called me at 12:32pm to see if I was planning on being there. I assured them that I was just a few minutes away.

The taxi driver called at 12:39pm – one hour late – and I told him that his services were no longer needed.

I got through registration and into my gown by 1pm and was immediately taken into the procedure room. The anesthesia was administered shortly thereafter with the warning that “this will sting a little.” It did and my last conscious thought was “how long will the sting last?” and then I was out. Some 30 minutes later I was suddenly awake – 1:37pm by my watch – and was informed that the colonoscopy was finished. Mark received a call at 1:39pm to pick me up. Amazing efficiency. I was in Mark’s truck, on my way home, a few minutes after 2pm – exactly 1 hour after I was rolled into the procedure room. Obviously my expectation of a 3-hour procedure was wildly off target.

Mark, wisely, had not left the area. He used the time to pick up dinner – lobster rolls – from the Cape Cod Fish Company. He had thoughtfully gotten lobster rolls for Jett and me, too. Delicious! And a nice way to break my fast.

So all of this was interesting in a “my, how things have changed!” sort of way. But the most memorable part of the whole experience was afterward, as the tubes and electrodes were being removed, when the nurse told me that I had completed my “last colonoscopy.” Because the colonoscopy had gone so well – no polyps – I was back on the 10-year plan. And because they don’t do colonoscopies on anyone over 80, I would never need one again.

She said this with a smile and I could see how she thought this was great news. But to someone my age, being told that this was, without any question, the last time I would experience this in my lifetime was quite sobering. It was like an official notification that I have entered the End Stage of Life.

As a memento of the occasion I was given a postcard-sized photograph of the interior of my large colon. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to possess such a thing and I certainly am not going to include it here (you’re welcome). But I haven’t completely ruled out using it as my 2020 Christmas card photo.