It has now been a month since Jett slipped the mortal coil. My life without her is coming into focus. Some of the changes are obvious but others are more subtle and surprising.

First, the obvious. I miss her. Every day. I don’t miss being the 24/7 caregiver that I became in her final months, but I miss her companionship, her wisdom, her unwavering moral compass. I miss being able to share things with her. The other day I witnessed something in the resort and my immediate thought was “Wait ’til Jett hears this“, followed about half a second later by the cold realization that I would never, ever be able to share anything with her again.

The increased responsibilities. Jett, at one time, handled the cooking, most of the cleaning, all of the social engagements, care for Rusty, the laundry and remembering birthdays and arranging for Christmas gifts. With her illness I took over the cooking, cleaning and laundry, but it wasn’t until she was gone that I had to deal with the full burden of care for Rusty and responsibility for birthdays and gifts. I have created a calendar of birthdays and will soon have to figure out who is on the Christmas gift list. I haven’t had many social engagements yet but when they come it will be up to me to handle the arrangements. I can do it all. But I don’t want to.

Meals. During the final two months I was constantly on the lookout for high-protein foods that I hoped I could get her to eat. She ate very few of the things I bought. As I am too cheap to throw away perfectly good food, I am now consuming the items that I bought for her. High-protein snack bars, Ensure shakes, coffee and chocolate ice cream (okay, not high protein but nutritious and things that she would eat, until the end). I am also trying to clean out the very full freezer that has items like frozen asparagus and cooked shrimp – things that she used for appetizers. I will eat them all. Even when not consuming items that I bought for her or things that she bought to serve to others, my cooking habits have changed. I now eat smaller, quicker meals. I cooked 5 bratwurst and 4 hamburgers on Sunday. Those will be my entrees for a week.

Altered priorities. When we arrived in Florida the item at the top of our priority list was installing the washer/dryer in the shed. That would be the culmination of over 2 years of effort and would thrill Jett who would no longer have to make the tiring trek to the laundromat. Now, with her gone, the urgency is diminished. I can do one trip to the resort laundromat every 2 to 3 weeks, for about $11. How long will it take to break even on a $1500 washer/dryer investment? Years. Yes, the convenience is a factor, but I was driven mostly by a desire to make Jett’s life easier. I think I have a higher tolerance of laundromats than Jett did.

Freedom to use “her” space. The RV has a bath-and-a-half. The full bath was hers, except when I needed to shower and shave in the morning. The half bath was mine. Now I have full use of the full bath and rarely use the half bath. Similarly, the dining room table was hers, used to keep piles of papers, periodicals and “to do” tasks. Now it is mine and I am using it right now to do a jigsaw puzzle.

Some of these changes are improvements in my life. But I would happily trade all these improvements to have Jett back again.